So I survey my blog, post-cull of previous entries, and feel good.
"It's all happening."
Everything that follows is a paraphrased x-posting to another old blog.
That would be a long series of events that was punctuated by my cousin, Whisper Elmwood, leaving me with a big pile of green post-its with website and blog recommendations all over them.
Said recommendations included the Raving Atheists Forum, some rant blogs, and some science-based, religion-debunking sites.
So, here I am.
'Here' being Bristol and living with Mother Rabbit again. You see, the long series of events mentioned above have led me here. Some of them unfortunate, but not nearly as fun to read about as those unfortunate events in the Lemony Snicket books.
Tough, I'm going to chronicle them anyway. Mwah ha!
Well, I'm in Bristol because I've left Cardiff behind and have decided to once and for all to put a full stop on that time of my life. It was a good five year period, perhaps one year too long because I had a bit of trouble letting go of the life I had made there. I had good friends, a boyfriend, a band, a good degree, but all of that (bar the degree) had been somewhat soured by the fact that I ended my two-year relationship with the boyfriend. The break up was far too messy and drawn out, times with the band (that I shared with the boyfriend) became strained, and friends chose sides despite protests of being neutral.
The plan is to end up in London, or perhaps even abroad, to do an MA in one my specialist areas.
I think to go back to Cardiff would be a step back. The city was a security blanket for me for a while but it is very much time to move on and get that 'ooh it's scary but exciting' feeling about another place in the world again.
The past week has been spent up in Scotland with my clan (hence the abundance of post-its from Whisper. We all made the journey north because Herself, our Nanna, passed away on July 14th from Uterine Cancer, which was in very late stages and had spread to her lungs.
She passed away happily and in the company of her children and husband.
The funeral was wonderful.
It wasn't so much a funeral as a celebration of how wonderful and wicked a woman she was.
The coffin was covered in beautiful, colourful flowers. No wreaths. The coffin could be barely seen for all the plant life.
Everyone was dressed in bright colours, at Nanna's request. She also requested that no one cry, but there was some trouble in upholding that appeal, as was clearly evidenced when we all laughed and cried our way through "All Things Bright And Beautiful' in equal measure.
The hymn, we think, was Nanna's last punch line.
She was a staunch atheist with a wicked sense of humour, and to have us sing about the lord's ability to create bright and beautiful things in a bewildered and tone-deaf fashion was a great final gag.
It was very surreal not seeing my Nanna there. There was my Poppa, there was the house, but no Nanna. Very strange.
We all, branch by branch, made our way up to the house in Torrance and rallied around Poppa, keeping him fed and watered and laughing. I spent quite a lot of time in the kitchen, cooking up things or making cups o' brew. It was a good way to escape the sheer number of relatives who had descended. It was a little much from time to time.
We were able to leaf through Nanna's life, in a way, by looking through old photo albums, scribblings, song books, collections of 'things'. Nanna was quite the hoarder.
She and Poppa were these gorgeous, handsome, slim young things with a laid back glamour that accompanies the black and white evidence of our grandparent's youth. Nanna tanned at the drop of a hat, it seems.
We found a list of directions for life, under the title of 'My Basic Rights as a Free Person' that she had written.
1. To state my own needs and to set my own priorities independent of any role I have in life.
2. To be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
3. To express my feelings.
4. To express my opinions and values without ridicule of belittlement from others.
5. To say yes or no for myself and to be believed instantly.
6. To make mistakes.
7. To change my mind.
8. To say when I do not understand.
9. To ask for what it is I want.
10. To refuse to be responsible for other people's problems.
11. To deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
These are some basic principles that, to the best of our knowledge and from what we knew of her, she stuck to.
When reading through them I had a bit of an epiphany, which cemented the decision to end my life in Cardiff. For some time now I have been chastised me for the mistakes I had made and the times I had changed my mind. I am allowed to do these things. I'm sorry if anyone was affected by these instances more than I expected people to, but I think in those cases those people needed to refer to their right of numbers 10 and 11 and to my right of number 4 on the list.
I'm often led to solving problems in my mind now by pondering how Nanna might have dealt with the same situation. With dignity, and not a moment spent suffering fools.
Ah, Micky, I'll miss you but you're in no way gone.
Your love of music, your sense of humour, your green fingers, your dry wit, your mothering nature, your initiative and ingenuity and sense of adventure lives on in the rest of your family.
Can't wait to see you again, no doubt placing whoopie cushions under people in the great beyond x
Said recommendations included the Raving Atheists Forum, some rant blogs, and some science-based, religion-debunking sites.
So, here I am.
'Here' being Bristol and living with Mother Rabbit again. You see, the long series of events mentioned above have led me here. Some of them unfortunate, but not nearly as fun to read about as those unfortunate events in the Lemony Snicket books.
Tough, I'm going to chronicle them anyway. Mwah ha!
Well, I'm in Bristol because I've left Cardiff behind and have decided to once and for all to put a full stop on that time of my life. It was a good five year period, perhaps one year too long because I had a bit of trouble letting go of the life I had made there. I had good friends, a boyfriend, a band, a good degree, but all of that (bar the degree) had been somewhat soured by the fact that I ended my two-year relationship with the boyfriend. The break up was far too messy and drawn out, times with the band (that I shared with the boyfriend) became strained, and friends chose sides despite protests of being neutral.
The plan is to end up in London, or perhaps even abroad, to do an MA in one my specialist areas.
I think to go back to Cardiff would be a step back. The city was a security blanket for me for a while but it is very much time to move on and get that 'ooh it's scary but exciting' feeling about another place in the world again.
The past week has been spent up in Scotland with my clan (hence the abundance of post-its from Whisper. We all made the journey north because Herself, our Nanna, passed away on July 14th from Uterine Cancer, which was in very late stages and had spread to her lungs.
She passed away happily and in the company of her children and husband.
The funeral was wonderful.
It wasn't so much a funeral as a celebration of how wonderful and wicked a woman she was.
The coffin was covered in beautiful, colourful flowers. No wreaths. The coffin could be barely seen for all the plant life.
Everyone was dressed in bright colours, at Nanna's request. She also requested that no one cry, but there was some trouble in upholding that appeal, as was clearly evidenced when we all laughed and cried our way through "All Things Bright And Beautiful' in equal measure.
The hymn, we think, was Nanna's last punch line.
She was a staunch atheist with a wicked sense of humour, and to have us sing about the lord's ability to create bright and beautiful things in a bewildered and tone-deaf fashion was a great final gag.
It was very surreal not seeing my Nanna there. There was my Poppa, there was the house, but no Nanna. Very strange.
We all, branch by branch, made our way up to the house in Torrance and rallied around Poppa, keeping him fed and watered and laughing. I spent quite a lot of time in the kitchen, cooking up things or making cups o' brew. It was a good way to escape the sheer number of relatives who had descended. It was a little much from time to time.
We were able to leaf through Nanna's life, in a way, by looking through old photo albums, scribblings, song books, collections of 'things'. Nanna was quite the hoarder.
She and Poppa were these gorgeous, handsome, slim young things with a laid back glamour that accompanies the black and white evidence of our grandparent's youth. Nanna tanned at the drop of a hat, it seems.
We found a list of directions for life, under the title of 'My Basic Rights as a Free Person' that she had written.
1. To state my own needs and to set my own priorities independent of any role I have in life.
2. To be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
3. To express my feelings.
4. To express my opinions and values without ridicule of belittlement from others.
5. To say yes or no for myself and to be believed instantly.
6. To make mistakes.
7. To change my mind.
8. To say when I do not understand.
9. To ask for what it is I want.
10. To refuse to be responsible for other people's problems.
11. To deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
These are some basic principles that, to the best of our knowledge and from what we knew of her, she stuck to.
When reading through them I had a bit of an epiphany, which cemented the decision to end my life in Cardiff. For some time now I have been chastised me for the mistakes I had made and the times I had changed my mind. I am allowed to do these things. I'm sorry if anyone was affected by these instances more than I expected people to, but I think in those cases those people needed to refer to their right of numbers 10 and 11 and to my right of number 4 on the list.
I'm often led to solving problems in my mind now by pondering how Nanna might have dealt with the same situation. With dignity, and not a moment spent suffering fools.
Ah, Micky, I'll miss you but you're in no way gone.
Your love of music, your sense of humour, your green fingers, your dry wit, your mothering nature, your initiative and ingenuity and sense of adventure lives on in the rest of your family.
Can't wait to see you again, no doubt placing whoopie cushions under people in the great beyond x
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